BREAKING: New buying group gets aggressive

DEUX PIEDS A GAUCHE, Man. — A new buying group has been formed by an independent dealer in Western Canada. Taking aim at the dominance of groups like TIMBER MART, Home Hardware, Sexton Group, and Castle, general manager Jock Shitely has just announced the signing of 47 new members, mostly from the Dog and Whistle Pub last night on the main street of this town northeast of Winnipeg. Shitely is the owner of BS Building Supplies in Deux Pieds à Gauche. He took over the business last fall from his uncle, Bill Shitely, who now devotes his free time to sourcing rare hardwoods from ravaged Brazilian rainforests and shaving cats. The younger Shitely’s announcement, just before last call, was considered very loud and aggressive by other patrons.